Fat Mogul for President 2016!

So, it turns out that this year marks my eligibility for the office of the President of the Unites States of America.  And although my qualifications might not be as solid as those of an entrenched politician who lived in the White House for eight years, or a long-standing American businessman who has managed to be a household name for longer than I’ve been alive, I do have one thing neither of those two have going for them:

Respect for the American people.

Now, I’m not saying that the two primary candidates for the Oval Office don’t respect people, but I think it’s easy to see, based on the course this current election season has taken, that their respect for the American people as a whole is secondary, at best, to their grab for power.

But I’m not here to muckrake, by any means.  I don’t think that should be the intent of any true political candidate.  The whole “running for President” thing was initially perceived as one of civility.  Why else do you think that the candidate who doesn’t take first prize has, election after election, conceded the victory to the victor?  Because this is a process of civility.  One which has allowed us to be one of the first countries to be capable of switching leaders at least once every decade and still continue to exist as a nation for over two hundred years (well…outside of those few years in the early 1860s, of course).

I know it’s late in the game.  I know Election Day is just around the corner and many voters have already placed their vote for their team…ummm, I mean, for the person they honestly believe will run this country best out of all the other people in the country, not based on capability to raise funds through their name recognition built on activities outside of their bid for President.  But here I am, to give you yet another name for this election season.  Adam Oster.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what sorts of credentials do I have that you should put your vote behind me?  Especially in this political realm where a vote not for one of the two people supported by two of the largest businesses in the nation (The Democrat and Republican Parties…in case you didn’t catch it) means a vote for “the bad one”.

Well, for one thing, because I don’t believe in voting for the lesser of two evils.  If you honestly believe that neither candidate is suitable for office, while the hell would you put your confidence behind them by voting them in?  Don’t let the Big Two bully you into thinking there are no other options.  There are.

And I’m one of them.

I assure you I meet all the job requirements.  I’m thirty-five years old.  I was born in the United States (I’ll even show you my birth certificate).  And I’ve been a resident of this country for all thirty-five of those years, meaning (doing some simply math…) I’ve been a resident for over 420 consecutive months, which makes me quite over-qualified.

As you can see, I’m the perfect person to run this country simply based on my qualifications there.

But, this is my cover letter for the most important job in our country, so perhaps I should sell you a little more on my qualifications to run this country.

You’ll see during your dredging up my background that I have grabbed very few p*ssies in my time as a resident of this great nation.  And although most of my emails have been sent through my private email address, they are primarily links to cat videos I send myself so I can watch them later.  You’ll also see that I almost never reply to all, unless it’s warranted, of course, because…cat videos.

But here’s where I think I really shine as a candidate:

I’m not a part of the system.  I don’t have years and years of background in running a business or sitting in office.  Which means I’ll need the best and brightest minds behind me to help advise me on what courses of action would be best.  I don’t believe this country is run by a single person.  I’m pretty sure that’s why they created The Cabinet of the United States, so that the Presidency is backed by the best and the brightest of the nation, not the activities of one single person.

Those other candidates would have you believe they alone will make this country great again, or that you want to be with her, or even that we’re stronger together…whatever that actually means when the candidate is helping increase the rift this current political season is inspiring to grow deeper.  No, I’m not doing that.  You want to know my slogan.  Here it is:

“Creating Tomorrow with the Best of Today”.

Sure, it hasn’t been test marketed or anything, and I may have just crafted it just now off the top of my head, but that’s the thing.  I’m not going to spend my time focused on marketing.  I’m not even spending my time campaigning.  My opponents have spent the better part of two years to get to this point.  I announced my candidacy today.

And when I get elected, I’m not going to waste anytime with celebrations.  I’m going to spend my time fixing the problems which are plaguing this country today.  And how will I fix them?  By hiring the right person to do that.  I’ve learned from my own personal home renovations that sometimes you just need to hire a plumber.  No, not Joe, a real plumber.  And what our country needs right now is a real plumber.  And a real electrician.  And a real accountant.  And…  You get the point.

This country is not run by one person.  It is a country for the people and by the people.  We, meaning you and me and all those people sitting in cubicles around you) are the people.  Not a single corporation or political party or collective of for-profit groups.  Us.

Which brings me to my point here.

Do you want to know the greatest problem in our country today?  The thing which we need to resolve to Make America Great Again.  The thing we need to remove in order to actually get Together so we can be Stronger?

This damned bipartisan system!

A system which is run by two money-grabbing organizations which has telemarketing practices worse than those folks from India who are trying to sell me a new warranty for my vehicle.  I mean, seriously…I’m on the DNC list!  (I realize that could stand for Democratic National Committee, which is a list I apparently am on, based on the calls, but I was referring to the Do Not Call list, that one where people aren’t supposed to cold call you if you’re on it).

You want a political candidate who can’t be bought?  I’m your guy!  That pittance the President makes yearly…umm…yeah, I see it as a fairly nice pay increase.  I’d even be willing to take a cut based on my minimal experience in political office.

But again I must stress the most important quality I have going for me in this election.

I respect you.  Each and every one of you.  Even the meth-slingers and sexual predators and murderers and Hitlers.  Because, well, I know that there’s a lot going on out there and I really don’t know your life.  No, I don’t support all of what you’re doing.  In fact, I’d really prefer you knock it all off.  But you’re a person too.  And there’s a great possibility that this screwed up system we’ve got has failed you as well.

But what does that respect mean?  It means that I’m not one to simply stand on my principles and ignore the pleas of the populace.  I believe the office of the President belongs to the people, not to the corporations.  So, not only will I ensure the best and brightest will be put in position to ensure our country is placed on the right track, but I will listen to the people.  I will ensure all voices are heard.  And I will work to make this company the democracy we have fought long and hard to make it.

But honestly, a vote for me might not be the best either.  I’m a writer from Wisconsin, who has barely even held a management position.

There are all  these numbers out there showing that people aren’t going out to vote and that’s being equated, more often than not, to laziness on behalf of the voters.  What if we showed them that it’s not due to laziness, that it’s due to a feeling that we no longer own this country.  We’re told we NEED to vote.  We’re told a vote for anyone other than the Republic or the Democrat is thrown away.  But if we show up in record numbers and give our votes to someone else, then our voice MUST be heard.

It’s not that we’re lazy.

It’s that you’ve given us crap and we’re not putting our voice behind that crap.

So, what a vote for me really is, is a vote to say you find this system stupid and broken and in need of replacement.

A vote for me is a vote for change.

In the end, you can vote for Donald Duck for all I care.  But if you want to change the system, you have to make sure your voice is heard.  If you don’t support either of the Big Two candidates, vote for something you do support.  The more votes we get away from those two, the more the system will have to realize they need to change.

Vote for me, vote for Hillary, vote for Trump, vote for Johnson, vote for Duck.  But vote your convictions.  Not the ones you’re being told to support.

Speaking of which:

Tell your friends who you’re supporting.  I’ll be printing hats and t-shirts and lawn signs soon, but for now, share how you’re voting Oster 2016.  Because why wouldn’t you?

 

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