Fat Mogul vs. Expecting

Facebook followers (as always) got a little advanced notice, but since I have some rather specific things to say about it, here’s a little announcement video that I was finally allowed to share yesterday:

The Secret

That’s right…we’re ‘expecting’.

necessary cute kid pic
necessary cute kid pic

I’ve always kind of held a form of indifference towards that term, if not an outright dislike.  However, when ‘expecting’ our first child, I quickly found that I absolutely despised the term…not for any other reason than I read the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.

You see, I wanted to be one of those good father/husbands.  I wanted to be the guy who showed absolute interest into the process so I could show as much support as possible as my wife went through the process of creating life within her enlarging body.

Little did I realize the reality of the book.  It’s in no way a way of learning about what’s going on about your wife/partner’s body–at least that’s not what I got out of it.  It’s all about the myriad ways in which your pre-birth child can die.  It’s a freakin’ horror book.

Seriously, if you haven’t read the thing, feel lucky.  It’s quite possible there’s some useful knowledge in there, especially if you’re noticing things that seem out of the ordinary and want to find out whether or not they are indicative of a larger issue…but in the end, what I got most of out my reading was absolutely terror of every single thing that happened to my wife throughout the entire pregnancy.

It didn’t help that we had to induce labor on my daughter, which caused the time at the hospital working on getting a kid out to take somewhere around one billion hours.  One billion hours of being certain that everyone would die in a fiery explosion of placenta.

That being said…pregnancy is a pretty frightening thing.  For instance, the little tyke currently bathing within my wife’s midsection has only been around for something like thirteen weeks, but I’m already quite attached.  Little Baby Batman-Elsa (as my kids have christened him (we don’t know if he’s a boy, I just don’t like saying ‘it’)) is already an important member of our family, which can be easily seen from how excited our children are at every new person they can announce the news to, or the constant belly kisses my wife gets.  So, when we were told that we would need to go to Marshfield to get a thicker-than-expected nuchal fold checked out, well…I had no clue what that even meant, it not having been in my memory from my book reading of years ago, but I was already ready to cry out into the night sky in pray for my unborn child.

When I found that it was possibly indicative of Down’s Syndrome, I was less frightened, but the fact that there were a host of other complications that could come into play, well, that old What to Expect terror began to grip me once again.

I’ll have you know that Batman-Elsa got given a thumbs up yesterday and, in the careful words of the doctor, is normal.  He continued with something about how he doesn’t like to use the word perfect at this stage in a pregnancy and a whole host of other disclaimer-esque statement, but in the end was saying my kid’s A-Okay, and concerns should be back down to normal levels, instead of the crazy escalated levels that we had going in.

That’s quite the sense of relief, but I can’t help feeling as though this ‘expecting’ is more of a useless stress than anything else.  Now, certainly, if they see something on the ultrasound that seems to indicate there’s an issue, check that sucker out, but when it comes to that damned book and its chapters upon chapters of how your baby can die…is it really all that useful?

There are a heckuva lot of useful things in that book, don’t get me wrong.  You get pretty good information about the size of the baby, what you should be seeing as any given point in the pregnancy and whatever else.  But the rest of it, the part that felt (to me at least) to be the greater bulk of the story, is it necessary?  I knew nothing about nuchal folds from that reading, yet that’s the one I had to look into because of a bad reading off an ultrasound.  Is it really helpful to know that my baby could have also had a heart murmur that could be nothing, or could also be a ticking time bomb of amniotic fluid poisoning (not a thing…at least I don’t think)?

I don’t know…but I can say that the book made me ‘expect’ death and destruction…whereas what you really should be ‘expecting’ when you’re ‘expecting’ is that in a matter of months, there’s going to be a baby in your arms (barring unforeseen circumstances), and that baby will need a ton of love both before and after it leaps out of the womb.

so…that’s what I’m expecting.  No more of this other crap.  I’m getting old, you know.  My heart just can’t take it.

Alright, so, yeah, to reiterate…my baby’s doing great and I’ve gotten to spend a fair amount of time the past week or so watching him jump around and wave and all that jazz.  So, I’m happy.  And…because he’s been given such a clean bill of health, I get to let you know.  And that’s also pretty cool.

So..yeah…have fun out there!

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4 Replies to “Fat Mogul vs. Expecting”

  1. As a pregnant woman who once yelled at the panera cashier and then left crying when he said they were out of breadbowls, I don’t blame you.

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