I just finished writing a post on here outlining some current issues I’m facing in my life. After reading through it five or six times, I decided that it was best considered an exercise in working out some mental demons. Needless to say, it was rather personal. However, the personal aspects of it weren’t the reasons I decided not to post it, but that it might not be received in the manner intended.
So, instead, I’ve decided to focus on the more uplifting part of the message. . . and severely cut the word count.
I’ve recently been made aware (once again) that some people may think of me as a spiteful jerk (my words, although possibly their’s behind my back). This has (as always) caused me some personal distress. I’m aware of my social awkwardness and how it can sometimes negatively effect people’s perception of me, but that doesn’t make me feel any less hurt when such things come to my attention.
I want everyone to know that I like them. There are (possibly) 2-3 people that I could consider to be people I dislike, based on ancient history and lack of communication since. They don’t read this blog. There are even more that hate me, unfortunately. . . they also don’t read this blog (I’m pretty darn certain). I get it, I don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s just not the way I roll.
However, I don’t want anyone to think I don’t like them. I do. I’m pretty easy-going when it comes to people, and find it incredibly difficult to dislike anyone. . . even the ones I feel have wronged me in some way, I find myself needing to make things right with.
I like you. That’s one of the most honest statements I can make. If you feel that I don’t, or feel that I’ve wronged you in any way. . . I’m sorry. I can make excuses as to why you may feel that way, but the truth of the matter is that it means I’ve failed in my abilities to express myself.
I have a hard time believing that it keeps you up at night thinking about how I may dislike you, but it does me. I absolutely hate the idea of anyone thinking this way about me. They can dislike me all they want, but for them to think that my feelings toward them are anything less than (at the very very least) appreciative of their existence. . . I don’t even know how to express how much I dislike that this occurs.
I’m abrasive (at times), sarcastic (often), and may poke fun at people way too often, but none of this is intended to be me stating anything negative about how I feel about you. It’s how I cope with my inabilities to interact with people. I’m working on it. . .
I can’t express enough how far from the truth it can be that I dislike anyone (outside of the possible 2-3 I mentioned above). And I want you to know that.
Hate me all you want, but know that I don’t return that feeling.
And. . . I know this is sorely out of place on this blog. I’ve re-read this version of the post 3 times already and am still on the fence about actually publishing it. . . however, I stand behind this message, and, well, I don’t know how else to fully express how much it pains me to know that anyone could think I dislike them.
So, yeah. . . oddly emotional rant over. I just needed to get this off my chest, as, although situations like this only come to my attention once every few years, that’s way more often than it should, because it is absolutely not true. If you could see inside my mind, you’d probably find that I’m that creepy guy who obsesses over everyone a bit too much. . .
And. . . that’s gone too far, hasn’t it?
I love you.