Pre-conceived Murder

There’s something I’m not sure many people are aware of regarding me. Something that I don’t believe will surprise many folks, but something that has plagued me for quite some time.  I am not able to kill.  Now, I’ve killed bugs and the like, many times over.  In fact, just from the bug sprays I’ve used over the years alone I’m sure I could be considered a genocidal maniac.  I’ve also killed fish, but only through a technicality, as I catch them, and the die sometime before I eat them (usually when someone (other than me) filets them.   But, outside of these examples, I have never actually killed anything.

In my introspective moments, considering the ramifications of the impending zombie apocalypse, I have, many times, come to the realization that this would be a hindering character aspect for me.  Not only do I believe I would be unable to actually dispatch fellow humans, who just happen to be infected with some disgusting disease, but I also would have great difficulty in providing sustenance through the killing of wildlife.  That’s not even considering the fact that I would then possibly need to butcher the animal that I slew. . . with their dead eyes staring at me as I do it. . .

Last fall was the first time I saw a deer being drained.  Something about that animal, still mostly intact, hanging from a tree, caused a great deal of trauma within me that only served to further set my fears that I would not be able to kill something if the need arose.

Now, this isn’t to say that I’m against killing things (non-human, generally).  I mean, I WAS technically a conservative for the first 20 years of my life (by religion mostly, 🙂 ).  I’m not against people having guns (not a huge fan of conceal and carry), I’m not against people hunting (would actually love to try it sometime, if I didn’t have the fear of bawling like a baby in front of men wearing camouflage).  The issue really comes down to the fact that I just have a difficult time, personally, being the one who actually ends the life of something else.  Mostly those with eyes that watch me as I do it.

All of that changes today.

I’ve talked about the squirrels on here previously.  I have a love/hate relationship with them.  At the same time I was working on crazy plans for their death this last spring, there was a young one which had injured itself that I was trying to nurse back to health (I failed).

I’ve tried numerous methods to convince them to leave my house alone.  They have all failed.  Today that ends.

I won’t go into specifics on how I intend to dispatch these pesky creatures (as I’m still not completely certain of how legal any of my options are), but it’s going to happen, and I’m going to be the one to do it.

I will do it.

I will.

Okay, so I’ve still been struggling with the concept, but it’s happening, and I will put on my best man face as I do it, and then run off to the nearest corner to cry as hard as I can, until it is time to dispatch number 2.

At least 3 of these squirrels must die by my hand.  And I’m intending to take care of all three tonight.

The next time you hear from me, I could be a very different person.

Or still crying. 🙂

Have a good one.

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