Bennigan begins again

In the midst of my pre-sleep ritual of over-thinking every single item of my life until it exhausts me into submission, I came to a couple of very important realizations.

The first was that I wasn’t feeling like I was moving forward at all with my writing, even though I’m doing some fantastic clean-up work on Buddy Hero, making it a much stronger story overall, as well as increasing the readability of the story-telling.  I’m actually quite proud of the work I’m doing on it, even if it’s taking me much longer than I wanted it to take.

But I just couldn’t shake this feeling of being stuck in place.

Another realization that came to me was that I’m much happier with my actual paying job when I don’t feel as though I’m stuck in place with my imaginary non-paying job.

After doing some hard thinking about it, I came to the final realization that, although I really hate shopping for agents, I miss it.  There’s something about the anxiously awaiting responses from these people who glance quickly at the few words you’ve sent them that makes everything feel a tad less imaginary.  Sure, the waves of rejections are painful, depressing, and give an overall feeling of defeat, but there’s still that internal spark that something will happen.  Something magical.

I know I’ve made the allusion previously, but it really is a whole lot like trying to find a significant other.  There were many times in my life that I just gave up on the process completely, because I was sick of the rejections (which, I never really received all that many of, because I never really put myself out there).  But when I would give up and try to hide from getting into any relationship, I would find myself spiraling.

Having a life-mate was never something I considered all that important (before, of course, finding her), but it was still a goal I did have in my life, even if it was far down the pile of priorities.  So, when I would try to hide from the dating world (which happened very infrequently, since I have spent a large portion of my life in relationships), I’d find myself feeling very lonely, feeling as though my life was going no where.  At least with the rejections, I felt as though I was doing something.  Everything else was just planning.

With writing, I find that I’m back in the planning phase, scheming for a method in which I can make my imaginary job into a real job.  I don’t like it.

And the really sick thing is, I’ve got a book that I consider pretty darn polished.  I’ve been wanting to give it a re-read (after taking the time to separate from it) to see how I could make things better, but I honestly believe it’s a solid story.  I’ve just dropped out of the selling process because it’s been such a depressing road.  However, the truth of that process is that I haven’t really been trying that hard.  I haven’t been doing the real work on researching agents, looking for the ones who actually sell books of substance.

Quick disclaimer, especially since I still have my work out to an agent, that’s a very broad generalization.  There have been several agents I have queried that I fully believe in.  Unfortunately I haven’t gotten that response back from them. . .

So, I hereby announce that I am returning to the pool.  I’m working on a few different forms of attack, not just trying to push The Agora Files to agents, but also trying to better it, get its name more recognized within the industry as well as do the same for Buddy as I continue to improve the work.

I know that I would prefer not to self-publish (even if the image of an independent rock-star keeps bouncing through my head).  I’ll do it if I feel that I have exhausted all other options, but it’s just not the way I want to run my career.  I want to write, other people should do the selling.

So, I woke up this morning feeling somewhat renewed.  I’m still feeling cautious about putting myself out there, but I also know that it’s the only way to get what I’m hoping for.  And I’m going to continue to work on improving the two books I have. . . and hopefully. . . just hopefully, I aim to find the time to start working on a new project.  I still haven’t picked which one I want to do out of the pile yet.  Both sequels are very tempting, but I feel as though I should probably work on another completely separate work, so as to increase my playing field.

We’ll see. For now, revising and selling is the game.  Let’s see how that plays out for a little while.

Have a good one.

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