Friday night marked my first real foray back into the world in quite some time. Between the winter months and being busy with the baby, I just haven’t felt the energy to actually get out and have fun like I used to. However, under the premise of a going away party for someone I barely know, I took to the streets on Friday, against my body’s screams for sleep.
Although I ended up being out way later than I intended to, it was a great time. I got to see some friends I haven’t seen in forever and just get to chill. It was fun, and after the depression of the week, that was needed.
However, I woke up Saturday morning with a sense of clarity, one I just couldn’t shake. My body felt like crap, but this hint of optimism based on this new found clarity just wouldn’t go away.
I want to write.
I woke up Saturday with my brain reeling with all sorts of thoughts on what I wanted to do next as a writer, and no matter how much I reminded myself of how the business end of writing sucked, I just kept finding myself wanting to get back to the keyboard.
This has caused a severe dilemma in my mind. I DO want to write. I really enjoy it. And I’ve got some really fun projects up next on my plate, one of which being the one stuck in my head all day Saturday that I’ve been holding off on working on as it will be a large dedication of time for, well, the foreseeable future. But I really don’t want to pretend that I believe I can actually do anything with my writing. The fear of writing and being rejected is still strong in my mind. And honestly, the fear isn’t of being rejected by the readers. I’d love it if I were to be rejected by the readers. The fear is, as always, of being rejected by those in the business who hold the keys to my professional writer’s status.
But this is where the hangover clarity really came in. It told me not to care. Although being published is obviously a dream of mine, it’s not an important one. I want people to read my books, but even more so, I want to write my books. And yet, just because I ignore the publishing aspect of the process, that doesn’t mean people won’t be able to read my work. Heck, with absolutely no marketing on my behalf, there were at least 10 people who picked up Buddy Hero during the few weeks it was out there as a self-pubbed novel.
People read it, and the few pieces of feedback I received on it were positive. Of course, most of them were incredibly generic, obviously trying to keep from hurting my feelings. That’s fine, I understand. It wasn’t a great book. Buddy Hero 2.0 will be much better, I promise.
And that’s the other part of the issue. I want to finish those stories. Both Buddy Hero and The Agora Files were just the tip of the iceberg on those tales. I’ve got so much more I want to do with those worlds. . . and if I were to give up, as stated in my previous post, well, they would be forgotten about.
I want to write, and I will write. I just can’t write for agents and editors anymore. If, somehow, someday in the future we cross paths and they are amenable to doing something with my work, so be it, but I just can’t actually work on putting myself out there any more. Looking at my competition for their attention, I find a group of people wholly different from myself, writing books that are far separated from the type of work I produce. If that’s the type of stuff that’s selling to publishers today, then I just don’t stand a chance.
But I don’t want to allow that to keep me from doing what I enjoy.
So, this probably puts writing back into the realm of hobby, over prospective career, but that’s alright. I’ve got some really fun ideas I want to pursue. And one of them, if done right, would garner a great deal of attention my way. . . if it doesn’t do that, it will at least be a fun experiment in a new style of storytelling. I’m really excited for that one.
So, with all of that said, I’m going to get myself back into the world of writing soon. I’ve got a ton of things on my plate this week, but I honestly believe I’ll have the time to start putting fingers to keys today even. And that’s kind of exciting.
So, yeah. . . have a good week.