Hailstorm of the Apocalypse

Every time I begin to get really down in the dumps regarding my book selling process, a hailstorm occurs in my immediate area.

Before I began selling The Legend of Buddy Hero, I had never seen a real hailstorm.  One day, soon after I began getting rejection after rejection letter from agents I had queried, I was outside cleaning up some glass from a storm window that had broken and it suddenly began hailing.  This was just after I began calling out God for making this whole thing so damned depressing.  I took it as a sign.  The storm wasn’t anything big, but the hail was big enough to sting as it hit me while I finished my task.

A few months later, I was in the same boat with selling, calling out God once again, and once again, while outside, I believe raking, it began to hail.

Last night, after my son woke me up and I couldn’t sleep and I was trying to figure out the answer to the question of how to shine through the slush pile darkness, pleading to God that there had to be some easier way, the sky opened up and I was suddenly in the midst of a huge hailstorm.  I wasn’t outside, but taking a look out the window,  I could see much larger hailstones than the previous two storms I had been in.  This continued for quite some time.

Me and God have not been on the best terms lately.  But all three of these events came as a direct response to my conversation with him.  All three came as a result of me being angry that he wouldn’t respond.  Last night’s response was much larger than the previous two, perhaps due to the fact that I’m just not listening to him.

But, here’s the problem: I have no clue what he’s trying to say.

I remember being told something about the Pentecostals’ talking in tongues while I was still involved in the church of my youth.  God wouldn’t go to such lengths to talk through us or to us unless there was someone there to interpret.  I still believe this.  Now, it’s possible God is just telling me that He IS there.  That’s cool.  I like that.  But it doesn’t solve the issue at hand.

I know this could come off as me being whiny again, but I assure you it’s not entirely the case.  You see, I have plans, ideas, and whatever, for moving forward on this selling process.  I’m still quite early in the progress, still taking the easy steps toward success.  I’ve got at least a couple more tricks up my sleeve still.  And I’m fairly confident that one of these tricks (or another trick I come up with in the future) will result in success.

It’s that part of me that questions the confidence that I’m looking for assistance on.

As stated before, I can’t quit writing.  I’ve tried, and I keep coming back to it, even knowing the depression that can hit when I don’t succeed in the ways I believe I should.  But, I can quit selling, if determined that act is going to result in nothing but failure.

The idea of having written hundreds of books that do little more than fill up my hard drive is not an entirely depressing situation.  I’d obviously like for my work to do something, but I wouldn’t be the first artist to never be recognized for their work.  And I’m pretty cool with that.  Yet, as long as I am under the impression that there’s some chance of me succeeding in selling my work, I feel that I should do my due diligence to that task, no matter how much I dislike it.

I want to be published.  I want to have an agent and an editor and reviewers and critics and whoever else, tell me how I could be doing better.  Without that, I’m shooting in the dark.  In fact, these rejections I’m getting right now wouldn’t be nearly as horrible if they would just give me some clue as to why I’m being rejected.

But, if God is really wanting to talk to me about this, there’s really only one thing I want to hear from him.  And that’s the answer as to whether I should continue to try to sell my work, or just continue in relative obscurity.

Anyways, this is all just ramblings, so I don’t really have a nice way of wrapping it all up.  Just a note to say that either coincidence or God has been hailing on me a bit over the last year, and I find it odd.  Hail does tend to be a sign of the apocalypse, however, so perhaps the real answer is that the world isn’t going to be around long enough for me to sell this puppy, so I should just quit my job and spend my last few weeks on earth somewhere warm.

Or. . . it just hailed last night.

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