So, it’s official, the book is now out there and announced. . . and I’m not handling it all that well.  I have continually put off these feelings of this whole process being a complete waste of time, but now that I’m finally at the end of the process (outside of the never-ending process of attempting to market it somehow) I’m finding it much more difficult to ignore.

There’s no chance in hell that I have the abilities to make this one book sell strongly enough for me to be able to use it to transform my occupation over to writer.  I’ve known this for quite some time.  Sure, there were some blue sky hopes that somehow someone somewhere would decide to option it for a movie, but let’s be serious.

So, having to officially face this realization, paired with the fact that I am turning 30 in a couple of days. . . well, I’ve been feeling pretty lame the past few days, which is stupid.

I know it’s stupid.

I’d love to blame it on the lack of sleep, but I know that it’s all due to this stupid fear I have of being stuck working a normal 9-5 job.  But here’s the real stupid thing.  I’ve been writing because it makes me happy.  I want to continue writing because it makes me happy.  I love writing.  I hate selling.  So, here I’ve been adding on to the job I already hate (which is my 9-5er) with the hate of trying to convince people to buy something, or to help me sell something. . . and it’s getting a little rough.

So, I figure I should document the fact that I found myself in this stupid place, seeing as this is a diary of sorts of my path as a writer.  And while contemplating how to approach this subject in a slightly more public forum, I had to figure out what to do about this issue as well.  I try not to be the type to just bitch and not have an actual plan of attack.

And whilst contemplating my issue, I realized the true heart of the issue.  Now sure, I’d love to be able to dedicate my work time to writing, and hopefully have more time to spend with my family doing cooler stuff than just having me sit behind a computer for the hours designated by my employer.  But that’s not what has been keeping me down in the dumps.  No, you see, when writing, I do so much better.  My creative output allows me to live in this other world, creating and building upon these ideas that I’ve had in my head for so long.

I don’t need to write as an alternative to my current occupation, writing makes my current occupation bearable.  I’ve spent the last year piecing together this one piece of work, and while I was actually writing, I was doing wonderfully.  Sure, there were stressful times when I couldn’t figure something out, or when life just threw its curveballs at me, but I was doing great.  And then I started trying to sell to agents a few months ago (close to 6 months ago now 😦 ) and I started really hating life again.  So I decided to ditch that effort seeing as writing was supposed to be what keeps me happy.  And I decided to just publish it myself.  And went back to the rewrite process.  And even the annoying process of re-writing kept me in fairly high spirits.  And for the last month or so I’ve been working on the marketing plan for myself. . . and I’ve been drowning again.  It hasn’t been good.

So, for the betterment of myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot put a focus on selling, only writing.  The selling process has already negatively effected my writing a number of times, which I’ve had to go back and fix.  It’s stupid.  Whether or not I’m a writer can be debated, but I’m not a salesman.

And so here it is that I announce that I shall get back to work writing.  I’ve got a whole ton of projects just waiting to get put together, and that my brain has been itching to get to.  So, I’m going to go back at it, perhaps every once in a while making attempts to sell things again, but never as my main focus.  Because selling sucks, and I don’t want to be adding things that suck to my daily life, seeing as the whole reason behind my writing was to get rid of such things.

So, long-winded repetitive me signs off another article saying how I hate the publishing industry and would be better off just working with karmic synergy.


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